Another Good-bye…

My Granny died last week, and, though she hasn’t really been herself for a few years, I miss her greatly. She had a great spirit – “great” in the sense of wonderful, and “great” in the sense of larger-than-life.

I returned last night from spending several days with my family. We are not having a service for Granny right away, and so, to parent-less me, connecting with my aunt and uncle and cousins was an important piece of what we like to call “closure” (though I view that word with suspicion). I’ve said many times to many people that funerals and memorial services are “for the living” and the lack of an immediate memorial service for Granny is bringing that home for me more than ever.

Services can be important from a ritual standpoint, but also from the standpoint of gathering people together. I have a picture of my family gathered for my grandfather’s memorial service – a huge group of a winding family tree – lots of cousins once-removed and all that. And we’re smiling widely – smiling, in spite of the pain of grief.

So this past weekend, when my aunt and I were going through boxes of photos and letters and other stuff, we found ourselves laughing about lots of it…especially letters which Granny had saved of my father writing the family from college.  My aunt wanted me to take the three-foot tall plastic Nipper dog (of RCA fame) which we all signed when Grandpa retired from RCA – a dog which faithfully followed Granny to her last apartment. There were Nippers everywhere! (I took a smaller, bookshelf-sized Nipper.)

And I shed a few tears, too. We found pictures which I didn’t even know existed from the day I was baptized. There was artwork which I only remember hanging in my grandparents’ homes, now leaning against the walls with an uncertain future. (I claimed a piece made by a family friend.)

It is a weird mix, then, this business of saying “good-bye.” For me, there is tension between wanting to grieve alone and grieve in community. There is tension between laughing and crying. And there is tension in the loving people (and the occasional dog) so much, and knowing that one of us will be saying “good-bye” to the other at some point.

Granny didn’t like to say “good-bye” – she prefered a grand “To be continued…” at the end of our phone conversations. Seems like a good way to end a blog post, too…to be continued…

And the learning continues on…

One of the first tasks of the Lutheran pastoral intern is to form a document which my seminary calls the “Learning Service Agreement.” Forming this document intimidated me, mainly because I knew a) I would never be able to contain all the learning that WOULD happen onto one document, and b) I also knew there was a good chance I’d never be able to complete every task I put onto the document.

Learning is a funny thing. Sometimes we learn the hard way – we touch the hot pan on the stove or we form a relationship we know we shouldn’t – and get hurt. Sometimes, we learn the easy way – we try something, it works, and – bammo! – instant learning.

But so much of life, for me, is spent in the messy place between these two realms. It’s really living a life of grace. It’s messy, but God comes to us in the mess and loves us and cares for us. And somehow, we learn.

So, here is some of what I have learned so far:

• Some people dwell in an echelon of nothing but minutia. Try to get them to see a bigger picture, and they get squiggy, defensive, or downright nasty.
• People of all ages love it when you remember their name. And women like to be complimented on their jewelry.
• Little kids like to do high-fives (or low-fives) rather than shake hands as they leave the church.
• There can be some very bigoted people sitting in the pews who feel very entitled to feel the way they do.
• Quantifying ministry is almost impossible.
• Never underestimate the impact of what you write in the newsletter.
• Think about when to talk, when to listen, when to shut up, and when to shout. (Pounding a fist on the table is optional…)
• Pray. Pray. Pray.
• Cry when you need to, or you’ll get a big fat headache. And sometimes, the headache won’t go away even after the tears are dry. (Take Tylenol, then!)
• Keep reading.
• Well-placed and/or well-timed conversations can make a huge difference.
• The congregation has a perspective of itself, and you have a perspective of the congregation. They are not always the same.
• Stay out of triangles. Apply Matthew 18 liberally as needed. It still works, even after this many years.
• Keep in communication with the leadership, which is different than sucking up to them.
• Figure out who your PR people are – and who will down-talk you, too.
• When making a home visit, if the dog wants to sit in your lap, let him/her. Remember the dog’s name, too.
• Look at photos when people have them. Listen to them talk about their families.
• Sabbath: Take time off. Be silly. Relax. Stay in your PJ’s till 4pm. Laugh with a friend. Even if you have hardly any money, go to a restaurant you love and have a cup of coffee if nothing else. Sleep. Walk. Play with the dog. Write. Lay in the hammock. Be alone if you need to, call a friend if you need to. Listen to yourself.
• Remember that the congregation has been there before you and will likely be there after you. You aren’t the be-all and end-all of the place.
• Decorate your office the way you want it, and make it hospitable to others.
• Above all, be confident that God loves you. Remember your baptism daily.

Caring for those who have cared for others

In a previous post, I mentioned my visit to the local nursing home, which happens on an alternating basis with my supervisor. One of us heads over on Thursday afternoons to lead what is optimistically called a “Bible Study” – really, it is unlike any other Bible Study I have either attended or led. I go in with nothing planned beyond a general sense of which book of the Bible I will read from that day, and sometimes that changes depending on the whims of my “students” or their “teacher.”

It is really more of an opportunity for them simply to hear the Word of God read to them. Sometimes, I add more commentary. Sometimes, the words speak for themselves and all of us seem to be lost in the beauty of the words – as we were last week as I read (again) the words of the beloved Psalm 23 (at the request of a person in the group).

I like to end with the Lord’s Prayer, said together. It gives them a grounding point, and it gives us some commonality as Christian people. Some of them say nothing throughout the entire time together, and even seem to sleep through it. But when we begin the Lord’s Prayer, some inner place is roused and they often say the words with me.

More than the reading, discussion, and prayer, though, this time together gives them a chance to be cared for by someone other than the employees – someone from the “outside” – someone who represents the Church universal.

It hit me last week as I was leaving that these people have not always been the way they are now. At some point, they lived lives very different than their lives now – they were children themselves, went to school, worked, married, had children and grandchildren, and probably in the span of their lives cared for many others. Maybe they nursed sick children or took care of a dying parent or spouse – whatever the case, surely they were caretakers themselves at some point.

And so, now it is OUR turn to care for them. Now it is OUR turn to be the caretakers – not because we know them or are related to them, but because in caring for the Other, we care for Jesus, too.

Did Jesus have an Elmo under His manger?

Every year at this time of year, we as a society are bombarded with commercials and print media encouraging us to buy, buy, buy. People not only want the latest thing, but they want it now, and they want it at the lowest price available.

Hence the crush of people killing a gentleman at Walmart in Long Island, which is a tragedy of huge proportions – because his death was not the result of people standing up for some great social cause, or some great religious cause, or standing against some great injustice, or standing for anything, really. His death was the direct result of human greed run horribly amok. People saw the shortest distance between them and the great bargains (hyped, of course, by the many, many commercials run by Walmart leading up to “Black Friday”) – and nothing or no one was going to get in their way.

And there are reports (though I was not there to witness this behavior) of people complaining about the store closing so the death could be investigated – though why anyone would want to shop in a store with a crushed corpse at the front is really beyond my comprehension.

The point is, human greed is with us throughout the year, but there is something about the holidays which seems to bring out the worst of it. We have created a society driven by consuming, driven by getting, driven by buying the best and latest. We have created a society which is not concerned about caring for The Other. We have created a society which ignores the love and grace and peace extended to humanity in the very first Christmas (you know, when Jesus was born?) and have replaced God’s gift with trinkets made of plastic and metal. (They are trinkets, after all – even a diamond ring which costs $45,000 will not travel with the recipient beyond the grave…)

And this is scary stuff to me as I prepare to be a pastor sometime in the future. Scary stuff because it is so counter to the message of the Gospel (= good news) of Jesus Christ, a Gospel which reaches across lines of power and wealth, a message which reaches across our trinkets and trivialities to grasp us wherever we are and hold us fast. The message of Jesus is one of God’s love and grace and peace, and this love and grace and peace are increasingly drowned out by messages of greed and selfishness and complaining.

So what am I to do about this?

I cannot change all of society.

But I can change myself, and I can influence change in the spheres of influence which God has given me. I can be the person in line who thanks the hard-working checkout person. I can be the person who holds open a door and thanks those who hold doors open for me. I can be the person who doesn’t have a lot of buying power this year (thanks to my current seminary education) but who has the power to be kind, and to show God’s love and God’s grace and God’s peace in my actions – whether those actions be in the pulpit, in the church, and at the altar, OR in the stores, on the freeways, and in my home.

I can be a blessing to The Other.

I put my heart up on that table and you stomped that sucker flat!

This past week has been a hellish reminder of what it is like to say good-bye.

This time, the good-byes are to a community – a community of my friends and fellow co-workers for Christ – a community made up of people like me and not like me – a community formed out of an idea of justice and righteousness and what those things look like – a community which I never knew was quite so strong nor so cared about until the end of the community was announced.

My seminary program, the Lutheran Seminary Program in the Southwest, in Austin, Texas, will be closing its doors at the end of this year.

We are a small program, swimming in a sea of Episcopalians, with whom we study at the Seminary of the Southwest, and also swimming in the large sea of the ELCA – not as students at one of the larger, more “legitimate” seminaries. Rather, we gather for lunch and worship on Mondays and can cram ourselves into the tight front room of Luther House – of course, depending on where you sit, you might not be able to get up from the table until four others move.

Reactions to this closing have been strong. My own reactions have ranged from the practical (”How the hell am I going to finish this degree now???”) to the angry, to the deep, heavy crying I did in bed the other night.

The degree will happen, and so, while that part promises to be a major inconvenience at best, and a curricular nightmare at worst, that is the least of my concerns.

The more emotional elements are there because of the deep loss I am feeling, and because people I love are also experiencing loss.

I know that the Church has to operate within a social structure which includes finances and that when more red is showing up than black, we have to make tough choices.

I know that the ELCA will be struggling with how to make seminary education work in this century and in the current demographic and economic structures of our society.

I know that Jesus died and rose.

However, I also know that this hurts. It hurts deeply. And I think that naming the hurt, naming the anxiety, naming the pissed-off-ness, helps God to work healing in those areas much faster than denying that they are there at all.

If you are reading this, maybe you know me, maybe you know this program, maybe not. Regardless, I ask you to pray for us. Thanks.

So, it’s been a while…

This internship thing is really a kicker. Not because the work is hard – I mean, it has its moments (or hours), but I’m enjoying the work lots. The kicker part is the disruption in my life – the being alone part of every week – taking me back to my single days, except that I’m not single anymore. There’s this other person to whom I am committed and with whom I am so in love – and I’m not with him for much of each week.

I’m an introvert, and so coming into internship, I was thinking that the Alone Thing would really be OK because I’d have all this time to re-charge by myself, as I can’t always do around my dear extroverted hubby. What I didn’t expect is to feel so alone and lonely – not just because I am separated from him each week, but also from my home and from my friends. You see, here at my internship site, I am known as “Vicar” to everyone up here – no one knows me just as “Kathi.”

And so, the adjustment for me has been many-layered.

That’s the half-empty part of the glass. Here’s the half-full:

• I get to have my dog up with me most weeks.
• The weather is becoming truly beautiful and refreshing to my spirit.
• I have a safe place to live up here (even if we’ve had a rocky start).
• I have cable and internet now, to keep me connected.
• We increased our cell phone minutes and got unlimited texting, both of which are helping with connections, too.
• I am close enough to head home each week.
• I have great parishioners who are very loving and generous and supportive and I’m getting to do lots of good ministry at my internship congregation.
• In my apartment, I am literally surrounded by the generosity of my friends who loaned/gave me stuff to use here. I love having their support here with me in a tangible form.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself of all I have to be grateful for, even when things are really, really difficult.

Politicians, Take Note II

Dear Barack Obama and John McCain,

These are tough times for Americans, and I have no doubt that you know this, because you have surrounded yourselves with advisors who are taking polls and passing on information to you.

However, what I would like is for each of you to stop spending MILLIONS of dollars in what are crappy economic times tearing the other down. This is not the time to tear the other down. I realize that statement is counter-intuitive right before an election. However, trust me when I say that many people want to hear your stance on things without the addendum, “Now, my opponent, on the other hand…” at the end. Speak for yourself without tearing down the other.

And if you are going to spend millions of dollars on anything right now, give it to the poor. Pay off my mortgage, and do the same for a bunch of others worse off than me. Buy some food for a food pantry. Give it to a church who is helping people. Help a hospital build a new wing. Find someone who doesn’t dwell in the realm of millions of dollars (not hard to do) and figure out some way to help them (harder to do).

Spend millions to help someone, not harm someone. It may not be good politics, but it’s a damn good way to live your life.

Signed,

Kathi Johnson,

An American Citizen

Politicians, please take note…

Dear Barack Obama and John McCain,

This morning, I opened Yahoo! news to see the headline, “Obama, McCain trade mudslinging charges over negative ads” sandwiched in between headlines about the Dow falling below 10,000 and a suicide bomber in Pakistan. So, imagine my utter distress and annoyance that, in the midst of the global situation we are currently facing, you two can’t stop bitching about each other and just focus on solving some problems.

Now, I understand how hard it is, when faced with someone calling you a bad name, or recounting your past sins, or keeping (and publishing) a record of your wrongs, not to fight back. Believe me, when I was in third grade, it was so hard not to fight back – I remember.

But our country – and I would even say, our WORLD – needs you two to stop the bitching, stop the fighting, stop the nit-picking, stop the name-calling, stop the negativity, and just get some work done. Go out and tell people what it is you offer them. Go out and offer some hope – some real, honest-to-God optimism – to people. Our country needs leaders, not whiners. You both claim to love America – do you love Americans enough to stop pulling each other’s hair in the playground?

Sincerely,

Kathi Johnson,

An American Citizen

A game of tag!

I was tagged this morning by my friend Stephanie, who has an event planning business in the DC area. (www.ayrhillevents.com) Here goes:

Four things I did today:
1. Worked on my sermon.
2. Had lunch with a friend and saw her cool and very hip downtown condo.
3. Cleaned up the kitchen…some.
4. Turned on the Red Sox game.

Four things on my to-do list:
1. Finish up my sermon!
2. Finish up laundry.
3. Call my grandmothers and my friend Kim.
4. Pay some bills.

Four of my guiltiest pleasures:
1. Ice cream.
2. Time on Facebook.
3. Taking a nap every so often (or sleeping in).
4. Hanging out with friends on my day off, for HOURS.

Four random facts about me:
1. I love the Red Sox!
2. I hate feet, Viagra commercials, and traffic on I-35.
3. I secretly love it when I can hear my hubby and my puppy snore at the same time.
4. I love Texas, but also hope to live in New England again someday. Don’t tell Steve – he hates snow.

Now I have to tag four other people..(I’ve chosen fellow bloggers…)

1. Mike, my brother-in-law-in-law at http://odgie.wordress.com
2. Stephanie, friend and event planner, at www.ayrhillevents.com
3. Liz, friend and an ex-pat in Thailand, at http://american-thailand.blogspot.com/
4. He’s not a friend, but I just found this cool blog by Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury: http://jacobyellsbury.mlblogs.com/

Keeping Sabbath…

This weekend has maybe been the most fulfilling weekend I’ve had since my internship began mid-August. A bit of history:

The problem with my internship site is that it’s just far enough away that I don’t want to drive it every day in a nine-year-old car.

The blessing is that I can come home every weekend on my day off.

The problem is that when I come home, the last thing I want to do is clean/organize/pay bills/do other mundane stuff.

The blessing is that I get to come home at all to be able to do any of those things…and so goes the cycle I’ve been trying to sort out for the past six weeks.

The last two weekends, I was preaching on Sundays which means that my focus has been divided between the above cycle and getting my sermons to a good place. (Hitting my head on a file cabinet one day at work – and the subsequent trip to the ER that night – did not help…)

This weekend, I took advantage of the fact that I don’t have to preach on Sunday and, due to our outdoor worship/parish picnic tomorrow, also don’t have to teach Bible Class. I came home on Thursday evening, as usual, ahead of my day off on Friday. I spent much of Friday relaxing with dear friends, and Friday evening enjoying dinner with my husband and another friend.

Today, I’ve been able to relax more, enjoy some TV, and get some of the 8 gizillion little things done around the house which have been driving me batty…dusting, vacuuming, organizing/purging of paperwork, laundry, etc. Has it been fun? Not really. But this weekend really has been a wonderful mix of relaxation and productivity, which is what I think weekends should be for.

I’m a big believer of Sabbath time. Sometimes people in ministry are horrible at taking Sabbath time, and this year, with these circumstances of living two places, I see why. When I’m home, I see all the tasks which I’m not getting done during the week when I’m not here, and it can get discouraging.

Maybe part of the struggle of Sabbath is not with finding time to set aside for it, but rather the setting aside of the many tasks which scream for our attention.